I slipped in the door unnoticed, and made my way deftly through the dark towards the basement door. The second the door was closed and I was downstairs, I could finally fall apart. I ambled along quietly fumbling through the dark, my hands extended for the cool oak of the door, when I heard a small cough from behind.
My mother did not look happy, and even less awake. Her hair hung slightly over her face, and her small five foot nothing frame made her disappear even more into the dark of the room.
"Kinda late tonight, huh hunny?"
"Yeah, mom. Sorry about that. Just lost track of time. Been dealing with some things tonight. Been dealing with Sarah." At her name, my face crumpled in on itself. I held back the lump in my throat, but I wasnt going to last much longer. I needed to get away. I didnt want to feel any more vulnerable tonight.
"Oh.....hunny, its ok," she said, sounding upset. She stumbled over to me and leaned up to wrap her arms around my neck. "I know its hard David, but this kind of thing gets easier as life goes on. You get used to it after awhile. The pain never lessens but you learn better how to deal with these situations."
She patted my arm and turned to head back to bed, where I could hear my step-father's faint snoring. The tears were beginning to seep out, regardless of how I felt about the situation. They were their own captain now, out to sea and tide was coming in. I opened the door and descended the steps in complete darkness. I knew the way around down here, and my mother was an incessant clean freak so there was no worry of obstruction.
I took a hard right at the bottom of the stairs and followed the wall around, back the way I came until the basement opened up again, into the area in front of my door. I opened the oak, crossed the threshold into the familliarity of my sanctuary....and that was it.
I hit the floor, falling in on myself, and let the tears come. I knew it was going to be rough...I was in for a long night. She was the best of me...no.....better than me. If I had a match, she had a lighter. She was the yin to my yang and I threw it away tonight. I looked back over our relationship in my mind, thinking of all the times where I was bright with joy...she was much brighter still. The light that kept me on the path. I can't believe its over.
I settled in for a long night. I had soundproofed my room two years ago, knowing my insomnia would eventually play havoc on the sleeping habits of my parents above me. Not sleeping was basically a daily occurance for me. A few hours here, a few hours there, and I was set. That soundproofing, which helped me to move about freely in the wee hours, worked to my advantage tonight, as it muffled my pained cries. The only sound other than myself deconstructing was the furnace kicking on. I needed to listen to something......anything.
I stumbled over to my cd player, a big three piece, three disc changer I had bought in eighth grade. Unlike my friends, I went with low price instead of name and purchased a White Westinghouse, something I had never heard of before. My sister and all of my friends instead invested in AIWA's. Mine was the only one still working. I hit play and shuffled the discs. I couldnt remember what was in the player, but it didnt matter. I needed something to break the silence. As the slow, 3/4 acoustic waltz kicked in, I groaned to myself and fell face first onto my bed. This was the wrong song for right now......The lyrics were tearing me apart, disecting every feeling I was having and presenting it to me in sing-along fashion. It was as if she was talking to me.
"I said I want you and you dont believe me. You say you want me, but I have my doubts."
I pulled myself up to the pillow and buried my face in it, the tears coming freely now. I had to talk to her, but that was impossible right now. She was nowhere to be found. She wouldnt answer her cell earlier and all I did was call, time and again, just to listen to her message. Maybe eventually, she would call me back....if only I wished hard enough.
The night's events finally caught up with me and the exhaustion won out over despair. I drifted off to the folky, laxidasical voice, singing me to sleep. His words still echoing in my head...."I had a flame but she had a fire." That fire was what I was feeling. Her fire.
And I couldnt put it out.
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