"How did we get here when I used to know you so well?" These words echoed in my head, as much as they echoed through the empty car which surrounded me. Engulfed me really. I felt so alone in this world and the driving guitar and drums in the background, meant to be a distraction, actually did the opposite, leading my mind to dwell on her. Where was she? I was on the street for hours searching for her, but to no avail. She had eluded me.
I brushed my hand over the controls of the cd player, shutting it off, dimming the annoying blue light emanating from it. It felt better to be in darkness; silent, besides the sound of my engine and the blaring heat I had on high. I moved my hand up in front of the vent. It was 75 outside but for some reason, I couldnt get warm. I couldnt shake off the chill of emptiness; the prospect that this was what I had to look forward to.
The road was coming quicker now, and as I began to pass under a continual shadow of overpasses, my mind slowly came to the realization that, if I indeed couldnt end this pain, then driving into one of these bridge embankments was another possibility.
No.
I couldnt do that to my family. They saw me little as it was now, although with the events from tonight now solidifying, they would probably get a healthy dose of me. i couldnt take the silence anymore, and I switched back on the radio, the cd picking up right where it left off.
"The truth is hiding in your eyes, and its hanging on your tongue..." I slammed my fist into the dash, causing the cd to skip and then I quickly hit eject. I needed something angry....something to take my mind off of the pain. I slipped a red and black cd into the player, just vaguely aware of what it was. The music kicked in, thrashing metal, and I cranked it, hoping to drown out my own thoughts. Then the lyrics started......
"The knowledge that seeking the favor of another is the murder of self...." I punched again, harder this time, dislodging something in the recesses of my dash that I couldnt see. The stereo abruptly shut off. I must have knocked the power lose. That was gonna be a hassle to fix.
The small distraction was what I needed because the next thing I knew, I was in front of my house, the outside lights burning about 100 yards from the road. I pulled slowly into the gravel driveway, treading carefully so as not to wake my usually sleepless mother. She always waited up and I had hoped that this time, she was asleep. I didnt think I could take her questioning eyes and worried glances tonight. Not with all of this on my mind, as it was.
© David Ames 2010
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