Wake Up
I felt her cool caress on my arm and it woke me. Not a sudden jerk awake, but a peaceful, gentle graze of her fingertips across my elbow. I opened my eyes and there she was in all her perfect glory. Those beautiful brown eyes, that heart-shaped face. She looked down to me, her brown curls cascading down and framing that face..the first and last face I wanted to see every day.
"Well, hello there stranger," she whispered to me, in her usual playful greeting. She'd say that every time we fell asleep together and she woke before me. "You looked so nice, laying there sleeping. I didn't want to wake you, but I needed to. You were snoring so loud, I couldn't hear my show."
I sat up in the bed, giving her one of my crooked, half smiles. She loved those, she always said. It was her favorite part of me....the way I smiled at her. "What time is it, Sarah?" My voice sounded somewhat hoarse. I lifted my hand to my eyes and began to wipe away the sleep that was there.
"Almost seven. You've been out for a while now. I woke up about two hours ago, but I know you need your sleep when you can get it so I watched Animal Planet instead."
She smiled again, bigger this time, as she began to describe to me the events of America's Funniest Animals. I laughed at her as she spoke, and then a realization hit me.........
It was almost seven.
"We have to go baby!" I screamed, a little louder than I meant to, and jumped off the bed, almost knocking her to the side. I tossed her her sweater and began searching the floor for the shirt I had been wearing that day. Sarah just stared in amazement, laughing quietly to herself. She stood up and slipped into her sweater, just as I discovered what I was searching for as well.
"You're wearing that again," she said to me, frowning, although I could see a smile brewing just below the surface of her discontent.
"But of course, my lady," I responded in a mock British accent. "This is my favorite shirt....My lucky shirt."
"And just what, praytell, do you need luck for today Mr. Sanders?" She nuzzled up to me as I slid the faded, black Coheed and Cambria t-shirt over my head.
I threw my arms around her in an overly dramatic fashion and hugged her tight to myself, letting my lips stop just a few inches from her left ear. "Why, maybe I'm trying to.....get lucky."
She playfully shoved me away from her, and I laughed with her as we made our way towards the bedroom door. As she walked behind me she wrapped her arms around my waist and placed her head on my back. She squeezed me tight and as I went to turn, she shoved me forcefully into the next room.
"I don't know if you quite deserve it," she smiled at me. It wasn't the same, big smile it had been before. This one was soft, radiating from every part of her face. Her eyes lit up while softening at the same time. Her lips were almost completely together, and her cheeks were just slightly full. this was no playful smile......she was showing me what she really felt.
This was love.....
I flew to her and kissed her quick, not wanting to lose anymore time. I beckoned her to follow as we made our way up the basement stairs and towards the kitchen, which was also the exit. My step-dad sat up at the couner on a stool, reading a newspaper and eating a sandich. He raised his head when he saw us coming, smiling warmly at both of us.
"Now David, you take good care of my girl for me. I need her back in one piece if I'm ever gonna steal her from you."
"Erin..dav....mag........ED!" My mom finally got out. She always did this when repremanding someone. She'd lsit every other person in the house before it got to the name she actually intended. "Leave them alone. David, don't be too late, alright?"
"I know mom. I'll be back around ten. We are just going to grab some dinner."
"Ohh dinner. Why are we in such a hur--" but I put my fingers to her lips and told her to be quiet. She looked up at me and I started to laugh.
"Yes, dinner. And we are in a hurry because.....I....um....I am starving."
With that, we bid my parents goodbye and made our way out to the car. The garage of the house opened to a country scene with only one other house, about two hundred yards away in the distance. My red taurus sat near the bigger garage, the one Ed used to rebuild "hot rods" as he called them. Frankly, I had no idea what he was doing. I had never been much for cars, but it seemed to make him happy, and it gave him somehting to do.
I made my way out in front of her, quickly opening the passenger door for her before she reached the car, and then dramatically swooping my hand toward the opening.
"Your chariot awaits, my dear."
When I shut the door, I walked briskly over to my door, not wanting to hurry too much. I had already given away too much of the situation by pushing her to leave so quickly. I had a feeling she knew that something was up. Hopefully she hadn't caught on enough to figure it out just yet. I slid into the car and shut the door behind me, turning the ignition simultaneously. The radio kicked onto what we had been listening before.
"The morning will come in the press of every kiss, with your head upon my chest. Where I will annoy you with every waking breath until you decide to wake up."
I looked over and she was giving me that same smile she had in the basement. I could feel the love as she sang the song to me. Her voice carried the song throughout the car, plunging it into a sea of beauty that I had the priveledge of seeing, and hearing, almost every day. I loved to listen to her sing, especially to my favorite band.
"I've earned through hope and faith the curves around your face. That I'm the one you'll hold forever."
The song shot me upright in my bed. Tears streaming down my face, the dark room was alive with her memory. I slid out of bed and stumbled over to my stereo, turning it off instantly. I wish I woken up. I could have stayed in that dream world forever. Just as the song said.....
"I'm the one you'll hold forever."
I slumped down, my back sliding against the dresser until I was on the floor. I pulled my knees up and buried my face into them, wrapping my arms around myself to insulate against the loneliness.
The enormity of her absence was everywhere.
© David Ames 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Chapter 3: Mexico
I slipped in the door unnoticed, and made my way deftly through the dark towards the basement door. The second the door was closed and I was downstairs, I could finally fall apart. I ambled along quietly fumbling through the dark, my hands extended for the cool oak of the door, when I heard a small cough from behind.
My mother did not look happy, and even less awake. Her hair hung slightly over her face, and her small five foot nothing frame made her disappear even more into the dark of the room.
"Kinda late tonight, huh hunny?"
"Yeah, mom. Sorry about that. Just lost track of time. Been dealing with some things tonight. Been dealing with Sarah." At her name, my face crumpled in on itself. I held back the lump in my throat, but I wasnt going to last much longer. I needed to get away. I didnt want to feel any more vulnerable tonight.
"Oh.....hunny, its ok," she said, sounding upset. She stumbled over to me and leaned up to wrap her arms around my neck. "I know its hard David, but this kind of thing gets easier as life goes on. You get used to it after awhile. The pain never lessens but you learn better how to deal with these situations."
She patted my arm and turned to head back to bed, where I could hear my step-father's faint snoring. The tears were beginning to seep out, regardless of how I felt about the situation. They were their own captain now, out to sea and tide was coming in. I opened the door and descended the steps in complete darkness. I knew the way around down here, and my mother was an incessant clean freak so there was no worry of obstruction.
I took a hard right at the bottom of the stairs and followed the wall around, back the way I came until the basement opened up again, into the area in front of my door. I opened the oak, crossed the threshold into the familliarity of my sanctuary....and that was it.
I hit the floor, falling in on myself, and let the tears come. I knew it was going to be rough...I was in for a long night. She was the best of me...no.....better than me. If I had a match, she had a lighter. She was the yin to my yang and I threw it away tonight. I looked back over our relationship in my mind, thinking of all the times where I was bright with joy...she was much brighter still. The light that kept me on the path. I can't believe its over.
I settled in for a long night. I had soundproofed my room two years ago, knowing my insomnia would eventually play havoc on the sleeping habits of my parents above me. Not sleeping was basically a daily occurance for me. A few hours here, a few hours there, and I was set. That soundproofing, which helped me to move about freely in the wee hours, worked to my advantage tonight, as it muffled my pained cries. The only sound other than myself deconstructing was the furnace kicking on. I needed to listen to something......anything.
I stumbled over to my cd player, a big three piece, three disc changer I had bought in eighth grade. Unlike my friends, I went with low price instead of name and purchased a White Westinghouse, something I had never heard of before. My sister and all of my friends instead invested in AIWA's. Mine was the only one still working. I hit play and shuffled the discs. I couldnt remember what was in the player, but it didnt matter. I needed something to break the silence. As the slow, 3/4 acoustic waltz kicked in, I groaned to myself and fell face first onto my bed. This was the wrong song for right now......The lyrics were tearing me apart, disecting every feeling I was having and presenting it to me in sing-along fashion. It was as if she was talking to me.
"I said I want you and you dont believe me. You say you want me, but I have my doubts."
I pulled myself up to the pillow and buried my face in it, the tears coming freely now. I had to talk to her, but that was impossible right now. She was nowhere to be found. She wouldnt answer her cell earlier and all I did was call, time and again, just to listen to her message. Maybe eventually, she would call me back....if only I wished hard enough.
The night's events finally caught up with me and the exhaustion won out over despair. I drifted off to the folky, laxidasical voice, singing me to sleep. His words still echoing in my head...."I had a flame but she had a fire." That fire was what I was feeling. Her fire.
And I couldnt put it out.
My mother did not look happy, and even less awake. Her hair hung slightly over her face, and her small five foot nothing frame made her disappear even more into the dark of the room.
"Kinda late tonight, huh hunny?"
"Yeah, mom. Sorry about that. Just lost track of time. Been dealing with some things tonight. Been dealing with Sarah." At her name, my face crumpled in on itself. I held back the lump in my throat, but I wasnt going to last much longer. I needed to get away. I didnt want to feel any more vulnerable tonight.
"Oh.....hunny, its ok," she said, sounding upset. She stumbled over to me and leaned up to wrap her arms around my neck. "I know its hard David, but this kind of thing gets easier as life goes on. You get used to it after awhile. The pain never lessens but you learn better how to deal with these situations."
She patted my arm and turned to head back to bed, where I could hear my step-father's faint snoring. The tears were beginning to seep out, regardless of how I felt about the situation. They were their own captain now, out to sea and tide was coming in. I opened the door and descended the steps in complete darkness. I knew the way around down here, and my mother was an incessant clean freak so there was no worry of obstruction.
I took a hard right at the bottom of the stairs and followed the wall around, back the way I came until the basement opened up again, into the area in front of my door. I opened the oak, crossed the threshold into the familliarity of my sanctuary....and that was it.
I hit the floor, falling in on myself, and let the tears come. I knew it was going to be rough...I was in for a long night. She was the best of me...no.....better than me. If I had a match, she had a lighter. She was the yin to my yang and I threw it away tonight. I looked back over our relationship in my mind, thinking of all the times where I was bright with joy...she was much brighter still. The light that kept me on the path. I can't believe its over.
I settled in for a long night. I had soundproofed my room two years ago, knowing my insomnia would eventually play havoc on the sleeping habits of my parents above me. Not sleeping was basically a daily occurance for me. A few hours here, a few hours there, and I was set. That soundproofing, which helped me to move about freely in the wee hours, worked to my advantage tonight, as it muffled my pained cries. The only sound other than myself deconstructing was the furnace kicking on. I needed to listen to something......anything.
I stumbled over to my cd player, a big three piece, three disc changer I had bought in eighth grade. Unlike my friends, I went with low price instead of name and purchased a White Westinghouse, something I had never heard of before. My sister and all of my friends instead invested in AIWA's. Mine was the only one still working. I hit play and shuffled the discs. I couldnt remember what was in the player, but it didnt matter. I needed something to break the silence. As the slow, 3/4 acoustic waltz kicked in, I groaned to myself and fell face first onto my bed. This was the wrong song for right now......The lyrics were tearing me apart, disecting every feeling I was having and presenting it to me in sing-along fashion. It was as if she was talking to me.
"I said I want you and you dont believe me. You say you want me, but I have my doubts."
I pulled myself up to the pillow and buried my face in it, the tears coming freely now. I had to talk to her, but that was impossible right now. She was nowhere to be found. She wouldnt answer her cell earlier and all I did was call, time and again, just to listen to her message. Maybe eventually, she would call me back....if only I wished hard enough.
The night's events finally caught up with me and the exhaustion won out over despair. I drifted off to the folky, laxidasical voice, singing me to sleep. His words still echoing in my head...."I had a flame but she had a fire." That fire was what I was feeling. Her fire.
And I couldnt put it out.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Chapter 2: Decode
"How did we get here when I used to know you so well?" These words echoed in my head, as much as they echoed through the empty car which surrounded me. Engulfed me really. I felt so alone in this world and the driving guitar and drums in the background, meant to be a distraction, actually did the opposite, leading my mind to dwell on her. Where was she? I was on the street for hours searching for her, but to no avail. She had eluded me.
I brushed my hand over the controls of the cd player, shutting it off, dimming the annoying blue light emanating from it. It felt better to be in darkness; silent, besides the sound of my engine and the blaring heat I had on high. I moved my hand up in front of the vent. It was 75 outside but for some reason, I couldnt get warm. I couldnt shake off the chill of emptiness; the prospect that this was what I had to look forward to.
The road was coming quicker now, and as I began to pass under a continual shadow of overpasses, my mind slowly came to the realization that, if I indeed couldnt end this pain, then driving into one of these bridge embankments was another possibility.
No.
I couldnt do that to my family. They saw me little as it was now, although with the events from tonight now solidifying, they would probably get a healthy dose of me. i couldnt take the silence anymore, and I switched back on the radio, the cd picking up right where it left off.
"The truth is hiding in your eyes, and its hanging on your tongue..." I slammed my fist into the dash, causing the cd to skip and then I quickly hit eject. I needed something angry....something to take my mind off of the pain. I slipped a red and black cd into the player, just vaguely aware of what it was. The music kicked in, thrashing metal, and I cranked it, hoping to drown out my own thoughts. Then the lyrics started......
"The knowledge that seeking the favor of another is the murder of self...." I punched again, harder this time, dislodging something in the recesses of my dash that I couldnt see. The stereo abruptly shut off. I must have knocked the power lose. That was gonna be a hassle to fix.
The small distraction was what I needed because the next thing I knew, I was in front of my house, the outside lights burning about 100 yards from the road. I pulled slowly into the gravel driveway, treading carefully so as not to wake my usually sleepless mother. She always waited up and I had hoped that this time, she was asleep. I didnt think I could take her questioning eyes and worried glances tonight. Not with all of this on my mind, as it was.
© David Ames 2010
I brushed my hand over the controls of the cd player, shutting it off, dimming the annoying blue light emanating from it. It felt better to be in darkness; silent, besides the sound of my engine and the blaring heat I had on high. I moved my hand up in front of the vent. It was 75 outside but for some reason, I couldnt get warm. I couldnt shake off the chill of emptiness; the prospect that this was what I had to look forward to.
The road was coming quicker now, and as I began to pass under a continual shadow of overpasses, my mind slowly came to the realization that, if I indeed couldnt end this pain, then driving into one of these bridge embankments was another possibility.
No.
I couldnt do that to my family. They saw me little as it was now, although with the events from tonight now solidifying, they would probably get a healthy dose of me. i couldnt take the silence anymore, and I switched back on the radio, the cd picking up right where it left off.
"The truth is hiding in your eyes, and its hanging on your tongue..." I slammed my fist into the dash, causing the cd to skip and then I quickly hit eject. I needed something angry....something to take my mind off of the pain. I slipped a red and black cd into the player, just vaguely aware of what it was. The music kicked in, thrashing metal, and I cranked it, hoping to drown out my own thoughts. Then the lyrics started......
"The knowledge that seeking the favor of another is the murder of self...." I punched again, harder this time, dislodging something in the recesses of my dash that I couldnt see. The stereo abruptly shut off. I must have knocked the power lose. That was gonna be a hassle to fix.
The small distraction was what I needed because the next thing I knew, I was in front of my house, the outside lights burning about 100 yards from the road. I pulled slowly into the gravel driveway, treading carefully so as not to wake my usually sleepless mother. She always waited up and I had hoped that this time, she was asleep. I didnt think I could take her questioning eyes and worried glances tonight. Not with all of this on my mind, as it was.
© David Ames 2010
Chapter 1: Older Chests
I was once told, by someone of sage-like wisdom, that some words, when spoken, can't be taken back. Only now was I learning that this was so evidently true. She was sitting there, waiting, no.....wanting for me to say something. Her deep, brown eyes stared back into mine, tears brimmed the edge of their perfect shape, and created a reflection of their beauty. It was heartbreaking. How could I tell her what was going on? How could I tell her what was wrong with this...with all of this,
"Are you....ok?" I asked tentatively. She blinked, quickly turning her attention away, as a tear fell slowly to the table, soaking the checkered cloth. I could see from her reaction that she was not, but that wouldnt stop her from saying that she was. Always headstrong.
"I'm fine," she whispered, not wanting to give her voice a chance to betray her sentiment, I'd imagine. She was so beautiful. Her perfection radiated out from our table, warming those around us with her glow. "Wh....wh.......why?" She whispered, even more quiet than before. The song in the background had begun to pick up into a sweeping 4/4 rhythm, acoustic picking slowly below the singers distinct voice.
The lyric in the chorus seemed to sum up exactly what I was feeling so I just let it go, let it explain for me what I was thinking. I pushed my eyes up, giving her the indication to listen closely. She responded ever so slightly, locking eyes with me again, tilting her head to the left, and pulling me into that lovely, chocolate void.
Some things in life may change and some things, they stay the same. Like time...there's always time.
She welled up again, her full lower lip pulsated out from under her perfectly slim upper lip and her bottom teeth, biting ever so slightly on the plumpness. This was a look that could kill, and indeed, thats what it was doing. It felt as though someone had shot me through the chest. There was a hole and it was being bored out like an engine, ever widening, whether I wanted it or not.
I moved my hand up to brush another tear away from her cheek, but she instinctively moved just out of my reach. I shrunk back at the rejection. I wasnt doing this to spite or hurt her. At this moment, I wish that she could have seen my thoughts. This was best for her. She would understand it soon enough. Just then, she looked at me, strangely....sadly.
"Hold....hold still." She said quielty, still unsure of her voice. She moved slowly with her left hand to my cheek and found what she was certain was not there. "You're....crying?"
I looked away from her intriguing face. Of course I was. She didnt know what this was doing to me. It was nothing compared to what I feared she was feeling. If I only had a way to know....to know what she was feeling.....what she was thinking. That could only help me in my decision. The neckline of my shirt began to grow as wet as the edges of her sleeves. She was looking down now, the cloth below her face growing wetter by the second.
"How long?" she asked without looking up. Her voice cracked on the backend of the last word.
"Not long now," I said shortly and quietly. "Not long now."
Her hand slammed down on the table, drawing stares from the small amount of patronage in the restaraunt. She didnt care, and at this moment neither did I. She slid her chair back quickly and spun out of it, her movements graceful as ever, and ran from the restaraunt....from the table......from me.
I couldnt do anything. I just let her go, the people around me staring at where she was not a moment before. As crushed as I felt, it was worse not being near her when she felt like this. The silence as the cd player switched over was becoming deafening. Finally it kicked back on, but this did not help either, as a slow moving, devastatingly beautiful piano piece floated through the restaraunt. The tears began to flow more freely now. I reached into my pocket, very robotically, and removed the twenty. I threw it on the table to cover the cost of our drinks and to take care of the waiter who was now dealing with the damage control from our little incident. I stood slowly up, eyes from all over the room still on me, and strode towards the door. The pain in my chest was growing stronger every second.....devastating. The music wasnt helping.
I needed to get out of the public eye for a second, away from the melodic piano, before I dropped right here. That would have been welcomed right now. I could only wish that she was feeling better. I knew all along that she wasnt. I had crushed her, and in doing so, crushed myself. I couldnt breathe with the music playing. It was too much for me. I made it to the door just in time and the cool air from outside refreshed me, brought life back to my burning lungs. But that relief was quickly replaced by emptiness....a terrible emptiness and longing. I had to find her. Even if it took all night, I had to find her.
I broke out into the still night, traversing the streets of the small town. The only lights were from evenly placed streetlamps that lined the road ahead. I could take my car, but that would be more trouble than it was worth, and I thought it would be easier to find her on foot anyways. She couldnt have gone too far, but she was fast I remembered.
© David Ames 2010
"Are you....ok?" I asked tentatively. She blinked, quickly turning her attention away, as a tear fell slowly to the table, soaking the checkered cloth. I could see from her reaction that she was not, but that wouldnt stop her from saying that she was. Always headstrong.
"I'm fine," she whispered, not wanting to give her voice a chance to betray her sentiment, I'd imagine. She was so beautiful. Her perfection radiated out from our table, warming those around us with her glow. "Wh....wh.......why?" She whispered, even more quiet than before. The song in the background had begun to pick up into a sweeping 4/4 rhythm, acoustic picking slowly below the singers distinct voice.
The lyric in the chorus seemed to sum up exactly what I was feeling so I just let it go, let it explain for me what I was thinking. I pushed my eyes up, giving her the indication to listen closely. She responded ever so slightly, locking eyes with me again, tilting her head to the left, and pulling me into that lovely, chocolate void.
Some things in life may change and some things, they stay the same. Like time...there's always time.
She welled up again, her full lower lip pulsated out from under her perfectly slim upper lip and her bottom teeth, biting ever so slightly on the plumpness. This was a look that could kill, and indeed, thats what it was doing. It felt as though someone had shot me through the chest. There was a hole and it was being bored out like an engine, ever widening, whether I wanted it or not.
I moved my hand up to brush another tear away from her cheek, but she instinctively moved just out of my reach. I shrunk back at the rejection. I wasnt doing this to spite or hurt her. At this moment, I wish that she could have seen my thoughts. This was best for her. She would understand it soon enough. Just then, she looked at me, strangely....sadly.
"Hold....hold still." She said quielty, still unsure of her voice. She moved slowly with her left hand to my cheek and found what she was certain was not there. "You're....crying?"
I looked away from her intriguing face. Of course I was. She didnt know what this was doing to me. It was nothing compared to what I feared she was feeling. If I only had a way to know....to know what she was feeling.....what she was thinking. That could only help me in my decision. The neckline of my shirt began to grow as wet as the edges of her sleeves. She was looking down now, the cloth below her face growing wetter by the second.
"How long?" she asked without looking up. Her voice cracked on the backend of the last word.
"Not long now," I said shortly and quietly. "Not long now."
Her hand slammed down on the table, drawing stares from the small amount of patronage in the restaraunt. She didnt care, and at this moment neither did I. She slid her chair back quickly and spun out of it, her movements graceful as ever, and ran from the restaraunt....from the table......from me.
I couldnt do anything. I just let her go, the people around me staring at where she was not a moment before. As crushed as I felt, it was worse not being near her when she felt like this. The silence as the cd player switched over was becoming deafening. Finally it kicked back on, but this did not help either, as a slow moving, devastatingly beautiful piano piece floated through the restaraunt. The tears began to flow more freely now. I reached into my pocket, very robotically, and removed the twenty. I threw it on the table to cover the cost of our drinks and to take care of the waiter who was now dealing with the damage control from our little incident. I stood slowly up, eyes from all over the room still on me, and strode towards the door. The pain in my chest was growing stronger every second.....devastating. The music wasnt helping.
I needed to get out of the public eye for a second, away from the melodic piano, before I dropped right here. That would have been welcomed right now. I could only wish that she was feeling better. I knew all along that she wasnt. I had crushed her, and in doing so, crushed myself. I couldnt breathe with the music playing. It was too much for me. I made it to the door just in time and the cool air from outside refreshed me, brought life back to my burning lungs. But that relief was quickly replaced by emptiness....a terrible emptiness and longing. I had to find her. Even if it took all night, I had to find her.
I broke out into the still night, traversing the streets of the small town. The only lights were from evenly placed streetlamps that lined the road ahead. I could take my car, but that would be more trouble than it was worth, and I thought it would be easier to find her on foot anyways. She couldnt have gone too far, but she was fast I remembered.
© David Ames 2010
Prologue
The melancholic voice of the irish troubadour floated over the air in the background. Pleasant I thought. It was a soothing sensation, almost wistful. If I was to die now, at least this seemed an appropriate soundtrack for that death. Beautiful. Painful. Sad, yet uplifting. Just the thing my death would require, or so i thought. I could live with it ending this way......Ironic I said to myself as I examined that last sentiment. Maybe she was worth all of this. Evidently......I wasnt.
© David Ames 2010
© David Ames 2010
Introduction to this Blog
Hello all. I've been working...well I want to say dilligently but we all know thats not true....Ive been working....occasionally on a few different stories. I would really like to hear some feedback. Writers block has been kicking my ass recently and I really would love to hear some encouragement/unabashed hatred towards what Ive been working on. So with that being said....let it rip miniture Roger Eberts and Simon Cowells. I welcome the beating.
David
David
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